Issue

5th Issue (September, 2007)

Love and Hate

by Dr Thynn Thynn

SHE WAS JUST OT OF COLLEGE; to know her was like  a breath of fresh air. She was full of  life, intelligent and pleasant, with youthful inquiring  mind. She was becoming a spiritual friend. She told me about a person she had hated  since college days. This troubled  her so much that even in her dreams  he was brothering her. That was why  she wanted to know  about love and hate.

S: Can you explain to me  about love and hate ?
Yes, initially they are different, but both arise out of our habit of discrimination, and they both lead to suffering. Whether we love  or hate. Someone is based on our own likes and dislkes. We automatically categorize people according  to our  own preconceptions. When we meet our ideals and  appear to be to our liking, immediately our mind  starts to cling to them; and if they should fall into the category of dislike, our minds start to eject them. In this way, we end up loving and hating.

S: But how can we stop loving and hating ? I find both situations equally frustrating.
Let’s think about a situation where you love a person at one time and come to hate him at another. He is the same person, so why do your feelings about him change ?

S: Probably because  that person and I have changed.
True. That means our love changes with each changing situation, and that means our feelings are not permanent, but relative to time and place.

S: Our feelings are not permanent ?
Exactly. This is what the Buddha  called māyā, the illusion of the mind. Our feelings are an illusion born of  our conceptual mind. Our feelings are  illusions born of our  conceptual mind; they arise from the ego-self. According to  Buddhism, since ego is an illusion. It has no substance, permanence or peace. That is why mundane love  is frickle.That is why it can change to hate.

About a week later, she came to see me again, and this time, in great excitement, she said to me:

S: I fully understand now what you said about love  and hate ! I met that person the other day and, to my great surprise, I found myself going up to him and greeting him without hesitation. I don’t  know why, but I don’t feel an animosity towards  him anymore. Before, I used to hate even the sight of him. It is really such a great relief to me. I feel free now !

Let me ask you one thing: before you met this person, did you have any feelings of hate in you ?

S: Why, come to think of it, I didn’t.
And  what about now; do you still have  it ?

S: No.
Then, what is the difference, before and after.
The she burst into laughter, saying:

S: Very true !
Well, you were free of this hate  or love before  you met him, weren’t you ?

S: Very true !
Well, you were free of this hate  or love before you met him, weren’t you ?

S: Yes, that’s right.
What did you have to do to be free like that ?

S: Well, I didn’t have to do anything. I was free by myself.
That’s right. By ourselves, we are free of either loving or  hating. Only when we start to like or dislike  do we become  entangled  in our own emotions. As soon as we come to realize that they are  illusions of  our  own making, we become free. We are brought back to  our original situation where  there is neither love nor hate. Only  when the  mind  starts to work on liking and disliking is the burden of love and hate  built up and we lose that freedom temporarily.

This is the real-life example of how the cloud of moha (delusion), once lifted, leads to freedom and realization in the moment.

 

Editor’s Note:

Grasping upon the five aggregates evokes the emotions of love for the likes and aversion towards the dislikes. But Buddhism does not advocate the destruction of love and hatred by the lay practitioners  or practising householders. It is normal for lay people and even for the monks or nuns to like what is pleasant and dislike what are unpleasant. The distinction between the fool (unenlightened one) and the wise (enlightened one)  is that the former’s grasping is motivated by self-interest or egoism but the latter does not grasp as he or she does not superimpose an illusive self-identity in himself or herself neither does he or she superimpose  an illusive  self-identity in other(s). The wise does not renounce the mundane life but he or she renounces or abandons the illusive self or ego in himself or herself. For instance, some ancient Chinese Chan master abused his or her disciples by shouting, beating, scolding or any other violent means to evoke self-awakening in the disciples. Such pedagogy might suit certain disciples who showed great veneration  for their masters in the ancient times. But this expedient device  may not be appropriate in modern society in which guru-disciple relationship is not so profound today. It is possible for an enlightened master to abuse the disciples without taints or cankers as he has developed the wisdom to purify all actions committed due to his mind of pure or non-manifestation consciousness. All his acts were actions of non-actions as he was willed by the will of willlessness.